Ah, Utah. The land of mountains, modesty, and minivans. A place where fry sauce is a sacrament garnish, soda shops are holy ground, and every Sunday, the meeting houses are packed tighter than a Costco parking lot at 10:01 a.m.
Among the faithful Latter-day Saints of the Beehive State, there exist two curious subgroups who despite their shared commitment to sacrament attendance and the blessing of partaking, have developed vastly different strategies for managing that whole “keep the Sabbath day holy” thing.
Let’s meet our two saints:
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1. The Procrastinating Penitents
These saints operate under a specific spiritual framework: sin now, serve later.
They remember the Lord’s counsel in Doctrine & Covenants 59:9, which boldly declares:
“And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day.”
So, naturally, they interpret this as: “Get the worldly spottedness done before church.” You’ll see them sprinting through Walmart at 8:37 a.m., grabbing essential items like deli meats, a CTR ring for their toddler who keeps biting during nursery, and maybe a box of mints to prepare for reverent breath.
They know that as long as they make it to the sacrament in time, they’re spiritually reset. Like hitting “undo” on divine Google Docs.
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2. The Proactive Sinners
These are the overachievers of transgression timing. They attend sacrament with perfect punctuality and intentional piety, fully planning to break the Sabbath, but only after they’ve secured celestial forgiveness in advance.
They lean into D&C 59:13, which says:
“And on this day thou shalt do none other thing, only let thy food be prepared with singleness of heart…”
But they read it like a divine loophole. After all, the mall has food courts, and they aresingularly focused on that BOGO deal at Jamba Juice.
And lest you forget, they often cite D&C 58:26:
“For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things…”
Ah yes, the classic “agency clause.” The proactive saints interpret this as divine encouragement to make their own decisions—including deciding that they need to “gather” at Target as much as they gather at church.
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3. A House of Order… With a Shopping List
Let’s not forget D&C 88:119, which urges saints to establish a:
“house of order, a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of learning…”
But in Utah, many households have interpreted this to mean: “Make sure the house is stocked with snacks, clean laundry, and enough Capri Suns to survive a Primary class.”
And what better way to ensure that than a quick Sabbath day stock-up?
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The Eternal Balance
In the great cosmic spreadsheet of heaven, who’s doing it better?
Hard to say.
The Procrastinators? They sin under pressure. The Proactives? They’re just “anxiously engaged in a good cause” (D&C 58:27)—especially if that cause is a post-church clearance sale.
And both are sure to be back next week, ready to repent and repeat.
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Final Thoughts
So whether you’re buying a roast at 9:47 a.m. or hitting the mall at 12:23 p.m., just remember this:
D&C 64:10 reminds us:
“I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.”
…Even if they’re the ones who took the last pack of Hawaiian rolls on a Sunday morning.
So let us judge not, but love greatly. Zion is made up of many kinds—those who sin before the closing prayer, and those who sin shortly after the closing hymn. But all of us are trying. Mostly.
And maybe that’s what matters most.
Amen. And pass the fry sauce
