
Letâs take a spiritual journeyâno, not to Zion, but to the psychological Zion that is being suckered into Utahâs finest tourist traps. A place where the air is thin, the prices are thick, and the souvenirs are handcrafted by a guy named Elijha in a warehouse in Phoenix.
1.
Hole Nâ The Rock
A Home Carved in Sandstone and Regret
Somewhere outside Moab, where the rocks are red and your cell signal dies a noble death, youâll find this fever dream of roadside Americana: a 5,000 sq. ft. home blasted into a cliff face.
Itâs part museum, part gift shop, and part cry for help. For $7, you can wander through what feels like a Flintstones panic room filled with taxidermy and unrelated presidential memorabilia.
Theyâll tell you itâs âhistoric.â
They wonât tell you it smells like your grandpaâs attic had a baby with a thrift store on fire.
đž Photo Ops:
- You, standing next to a carved-out Jesus face on a boulder.
- Your soul, slowly exiting your body in the parking lot.
2.
Mystic Hot Springs
â Like Burning Man, but Sponsored by Rust
It sounds healing. Mystic. Springs. Sounds like a place elves would bathe.
Instead, imagine soaking in lukewarm mineral water inside a clawfoot tub that looks like it was rescued from the Titanic wreck.
Youâre paying $25 to marinate in vaguely warm soup next to a drum circle and a school bus painted like a Bob Ross fever dream.
đ Pros:
- You can say âI went to a natural spring in Utah.â
đ Cons: - You canât unsmell the experience.
3.
The Big Rock Candy Mountain
â A Sweet Name for a Sour Trap
Spoiler: there is no candy.
There is a mountain. Itâs yellow. Possibly jaundiced. Definitely not delicious.
But thanks to an old folk song and some brave marketing, theyâve turned it into a full-fledged tourist pit: mini-golf, zip lines, and a restaurant with the ambience of a middle school cafeteria during a power outage.
đŹ Itâs like Disneyland, if Walt had a strict $17 budget and a lifelong grudge against fun.
4.
Zion Shuttle System
â A Line to Stand in While Dreaming of Nature
Welcome to the majestic gates of Zion National Parkâwhere youâll experience the beauty of nature⊠through the window of a government-issued bus.
Instead of hiking, youâll be:
- Standing in line to board a shuttle
- Standing on the shuttle
- Standing in a different line to board another shuttle
This is the Circle of Life, brought to you by the National Park Service and mild heatstroke.
đïž Pro tip: if you close your eyes and breathe deeply, you might convince yourself youâre in nature. Until a toddler screams âIS THIS THE GRAND CANYON?â
5.
Alien Jerky in Baker
(Not Utah, but spiritually Utah)
Yes, itâs in Nevada. But youâll pass it on your Utah road trip, and youâll stop. You always stop.
Because thereâs an 18-foot alien statue and a promise of âspace jerky.â
Itâs not jerky from space. Itâs just dry meat next to novelty lube and shot glasses shaped like little green men. Youâll leave $38 lighter and somehow greasier.
đž And yet⊠youâll post it on Instagram.
We all do.
Youâre not immune.
Final Thoughts: Welcome to Utah, Please Lower Your Expectations
Utah is stunning. The landscapes? God-tier. The skiing? Divine.
But for every majestic canyon, thereâs a haunted gift shop selling petrified wood and trauma.
So pack your sunscreen, bring your debit card, and prepare to stand in line next to a guy wearing Tevas and eating $14 fry sauce.
Remember: itâs not about avoiding the tourist traps.
Itâs about surviving themâŠ
with stories to tell,
and $3 alien jerky in your glove box