🚗 TESLA’S NEW MODEL 3: THE CAR FOR PEOPLE WHO HATE JOY (AND RADIOS)

By DeathJuice.com | October 8, 2025 | By Monty Python’s Disgruntled Auto Club

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[Triumphant Fanfare Plays, Followed by the Sound of a Dying Battery]

And now for something completely stupid.

Tesla the world’s most ambitious startup cosplaying as a car company has proudly announced its newest innovation: less car for more money! Introducing the Tesla Model 3 Standard, or as we like to call it, The Model 3 Subtraction.

For the low, low price of $38,380, you too can experience the thrill of not having a radio, not having ventilated seats, and not having any remaining dignity.

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🏦 “AFFORDABLE” IS A STATE OF MIND

Tesla insists that this new “Standard” model makes electric driving more accessible. How? By making sure you can’t afford to want one.

The car starts at $36,990, but of course there’s a $1,390 “getting it to you” fee, a $250 “we can’t refund that” fee, and a $10 “tire fee” presumably to ensure your car comes with tires. Because why not charge for that? Next year, look out for Tesla’s Optional Steering Wheel Experience Package™ for $499.

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🔌 LESS POWER, MORE SOUL (DEPLETION)

The new Model 3 boasts a range of 321 miles, or roughly the distance from your house to the next working charger. It’s slower, heavier, and less exciting than a beige Volvo in loafers.

Tesla has even replaced its “fancy shock absorbers” with something called “passive shock absorbers.”We assume this means the suspension simply accepts your fate without complaint, a perfect metaphor for Tesla’s modern customer base.

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📻 RADIO? YOU MEAN “VINTAGE SILENCE”?

In an era where even microwaves have Bluetooth, Tesla has bravely eliminated the radio antenna. No AM. No FM. No joy. Just you, your thoughts, and the sound of your existential dread echoing off the glass roof.

Want to listen to the news? Too bad. Want to hear music? Hope you like buffering.

For an extra $0, Elon Musk himself will not call you to explain why.

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🪑 THE INTERIOR: WHERE DREAMS GO TO DIE

The Model 3 Standard’s interior is a triumph of subtraction. The seats are now part textile, part despair. Rear passengers get manual air vents — a thrilling callback to the 1987 Toyota Corolla.

Gone are the heated seats, powered mirrors, and ambient lighting. In fact, if you sit still long enough, you may feel Tesla slowly removing more features via over-the-air update.

One driver reportedly got into his Model 3 Standard last night to find his horn had been reassigned to premium only.

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🌞 GLASS ROOF, BLACK SEATS, PURE HELL

Unlike its more expensive sibling, the Model 3 Standard keeps its glass roof. Which is lovely unless you live anywhere the sun exists. Combine that with the all-black interior, and congratulations! You’ve purchased a rolling convection oven.

Nothing says “sustainable luxury” like peeling yourself off vegan leather every August morning.

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🏁 IN CONCLUSION: THE CAR FOR TRUE BELIEVERS

If you’ve ever said, “I wish my car made me feel more like a monk in a minimalist monastery,” Tesla has delivered.

For everyone else — there’s Hyundai, Nissan, and the faint memory of when Tesla felt like the future instead of a punchline.

At DeathJuice.com, we salute Tesla for its unwavering dedication to doing less, charging more, and calling it innovation.

Next week on DeathJuice:

• “Cybertruck Update: Now 14% More Angular, 100% Less Delivered”

• “Musk’s Next Big Thing: Pay-per-Blip Headlights”

• “We Test-Drive a Leaf and Feel Emotions Again”

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[End Scene: A man in a suit drives the new Model 3 into a field and yells “This car is electric!” before the screen fades to black with the caption:]

“And now for something completely refundable.