by An Itchy but Soothed American
Today we stumbled across a miracle.
Not the parting of the Red Sea. Not a decent parking spot at Trader Joe’s. No—we found a functioning, family-friendly hot spring in America that hasn’t been strip-mined by private equity.
Nestled in the gentle arms of Honeyville, Utah (just far enough from any place influencers care about), Crystal Hot Springs is a glorious little geothermal oasis that feels like it’s one board meeting away from being accidentally turned into a crypto wellness ranch.
The Last $18 Day Pass in America
We paid $18 each for actual access to minerals and water. Try doing that in Park City and they’ll spit LaCroix in your face and slap you with a $1,200 spa tax.
But don’t get too comfortable. BlackRock is definitely watching. You can practically hear a distant boardroom whispering, “What if we called it Crystal Springs Reserve™ and added an AI firepit experience?”
So go now. While you can still afford to bring your kids and a snack.
Dining Options Include… Hope
Now, you won’t find avocado toast, yak butter matcha, or sustainable lobster foam here. The concessions stand offers an unapologetic throwback to 1983: potato chips, maybe a candy bar, and bottled soda that’s so sugary it could file your taxes for you.
Which is to say: bring a cooler.
Or a potato cannon and try your luck at cooking spuds poolside—same effect, more bonding.
Frankly, there’s a huge opportunity here. If anyone wants to start a pop-up taco truck with moderate morals and good tortillas, you will be hailed as the god of the hot springs.
About Those Recliners
Yes, there are reclining chairs… in theory. You may see one or two in the distance, but only if you catch the sunrise and are blessed by the recliner gods.
Rumor has it they were all claimed in 1997 by a group of hyper-organized Germans who arrived at 6:03 a.m. and laid down their towels. They’ve since returned annually to defend their turf using precision, politeness, and Teutonic strength.
The Verdict?
This place rules.
The water smells like ambition and ancient minerals. The slides are fast enough to regret your decisions but not enough to file a waiver. The vibe is weirdly honest.
In a world where everything is being turned into a $750 “immersive healing lodge experience,” Crystal Hot Springs is just out here being… a hot spring.
Soak in it before it’s rebranded as “ThermaFi™” and you’re asked to scan your retina to enter the healing dome.
We’ll be back. Probably with folding chairs, trail mix, and a thousand-yard stare that says: “No BlackRock. Not today.”
Tips Before You Go:
- Bring snacks. Real ones.
- Towels. Extras. Maybe barbed wire for your seating zone.
- Expect joy, mineral clarity, and a possible German encounter.
- Bask in the pre-investment serenity while you can.