Ah, Utah, where the mountains are high, the fry sauce flows freely, and the parking lots at LDS meetinghouses are absolutely enormous.
If you’ve ever walked past one of these sprawling asphalt deserts on a weekday, not a soul in sight, you may have wondered: why do we need so much parking when half the neighborhood could literally walk here in under five minutes?
Well, dear reader, pull up a folding chair (there’s always plenty at the church), because there’s a theory. And it might just explain why your property tax bill keeps going up.
The Secret Life of Church Parking Lots
What if those endless rows of empty spaces aren’t just for cars? What if they’re actually a clever way for the Church to hold on to prime land, tax-free, while you and your neighbors foot the bill?
It works like this:
- The Church buys a large parcel of land, often in a growing suburb.
- It builds a modest meetinghouse… and a parking lot big enough to host the Utah State Fair.
- The parking lot sits largely unused, except for Sunday mornings and the occasional youth dance.
- Because it’s church property, it’s tax-exempt.
- Meanwhile, the surrounding land values rise, but so do your property taxes, because someone has to pay for the schools, roads, and services the church land isn’t contributing toward.
More Asphalt, More Problems
In other words, you’re helping subsidize half-empty parking lots that make it harder for families to afford homes in their own neighborhoods.
All this while we’re constantly told that Utah needs:
- More affordable housing
- Less sprawl
- Stronger communities
- And better walkability (remember, a “15-minute city” isn’t a plot by the Illuminati — it’s actually nice).
But instead, we get 15 acres of sacred asphalt, perfect for teaching the deacons how to drive, not so great for keeping property taxes low.
A Modest Proposal
Perhaps it’s time for the Church to consider:
- Smaller parking lots (people can walk, or even carpool, heaven forbid!)
- Shared use agreements with nearby businesses or city lots
- Using some of that land for parks, affordable housing, or community spaces
Or hey, just lease it to the local food truck festival on weekdays and let us at least get a taco out of the deal.
Final Amen
Next time you’re cutting that check to the county tax office, take a moment to thank the sprawling, empty church parking lot down the street. It’s not just holding space for your car, it’s helping raise your taxes, one sun-baked stripe at a time.
And as you walk past it on your way to church (because you still can’t afford a second car), just remember: that lot is praying for you. And your wallet.
🚗 F.A.Q.: Frequently Asphalted Questions — Church Parking Lots Edition
Q: Why is the parking lot so enormous when I can walk to church?
A: Because the Church plans for the Millennium… and also a youth dance with 400 parents picking up kids at once.
Q: Why is there no shade?
A: Utah parking lots are designed to double as solar ovens for your car. You’re welcome.
Q: Who pays the property tax on all this land?
A: Not the Church! But your property tax bill loves the Church’s parking lot.
Q: Can we park RVs here during General Conference?
A: Ask your local bishop. And bring donuts.
Q: Couldn’t this land be used for affordable housing?
A: Shhh. Asphalt doesn’t argue