A Monty Python–esque tragedy featuring delusion, detergent, and a very judgmental cat named Gertrude
Narrator (spoken with a noble accent over panpipes and a burp):
In a neighborhood best known for its artisanal hummus and broken dreams, there lived a man called Elijah—a tall, bewildered figure whose confidence was unmatched in its complete lack of foundation.
Elijah was the sort of man who described himself as “neurodivergent and vibing” on dating apps, but mostly just vibed alone with his cat, Gertrude, a ginger tabby who understood the meaning of the universe and loathed every minute of it.
Scene One: Suds of Destiny
Elijah stood in his cramped kitchen wearing nothing but socks and misguided ambition. He stared lovingly at his MacBook Pro, a faithful device that had endured many things: conspiracy theories, rejected blog drafts, and at least one mushroom-fueled attempt to write a screenplay about a sentient lentil.
Elijah (beaming):
“Time for your spiritual cleanse, my sweet digital child.”
He turned the faucet like a priest anointing a heretic and lowered the laptop into the foamy sink water as if it were a Viking corpse.
Gertrude, perched on the counter like a furry gargoyle, tilted her head in what could only be described as feline contempt.
Narrator:
Elijah’s belief that “all modern devices are waterproof” came from a Reddit post he skimmed while high and eating Nutella with a spatula.
This was also the same night he declared, through a mouthful of granola, that “reality is just God’s badly rendered simulation.”
Scene Two: Mushrooms, Madness, and MacBooks
As the laptop began to emit the soft crackle of dying circuits, Elijah inhaled deeply and settled cross-legged on the floor.
He had taken exactly one and a half mushrooms that morning, convinced it made him focus better, despite having spent two hours trying to “connect spiritually” with a coat rack.
Elijah (gazing into the abyss):
“Gertrude… have you ever wondered if we’re just data packets in a cosmic hard drive?”
Gertrude blinked once.
Her eyes said: “You absolute lemon.”
Narrator (delighted):
This was not the first time Elijah had misunderstood the world. He once tried to network at a funeral. He thought NFTs were a type of protein. He believed “social cues” were some sort of cryptocurrency.
And now, he had baptized his MacBook. With Dawn dish soap. And hope.
Final Scene: Consequences and Cat Disdain
The sink hissed. The screen flickered like a dying firefly. Elijah watched in silence.
Elijah (softly):
“It’s not… waterproof.”
Gertrude leapt down with the grace of an animal who knew this chapter had ended. She walked slowly out of the kitchen, tail held high in silent judgment.
Narrator (with whimsical finality):
And so ends the tale of Elijah—philosopher of the confused, prophet of the misinformed, and man who washed his laptop like it was a potato.
His journey for meaning would continue.
But his MacBook… would not.
And Gertrude?
She would tell the others.
FIN.
(A film by No One Asked Films. Based on absolutely true events. Probably