By the Deathjuice Editorial Brigade
Bathrooms are like freeways. And no, we’re not just saying that because we spend half our lives in traffic and the other half sprinting to find a clean stall.
Let’s break it down.
Each toilet is a porcelain throne, a gleaming lane in the great highway of humanity’s biological schedule. And just like the Department of Transportation, some facilities try to solve the issue of congestion by adding more lanes—err, stalls.
More thunder boxes must mean less wait time, right?
Wrong.
What we’ve witnessed in the wild—at festivals, skateparks, rec centers, and even that one suspicious gas station with a Bluetooth speaker in the ceiling—is that the more toilets you add, the more people show up to poop. It’s like there’s some psychic plumbing hotline telling the masses, “Hey, there’s an open stall in the northeast quadrant. Drop everything.”
Like freeways, expanding bathroom capacity doesn’t reduce demand—it just invites a fresh surge of urgent travelers to the bowl-based bottleneck. First world problem? Absolutely. But it’s also a real one. Because nothing ruins your chill like a full bladder and a locked stall with someone’s cargo ship still mid-dock.
The result? A game of chicken with human dignity.
An arms race of cheeks versus seats.
A logistic nightmare painted in graffiti and half-used toilet paper rolls.
So what’s the solution?
We don’t know. But we do know that Kevin the cat from triage would have flagged this case as critical.
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🧻 Deathjuice: reporting from the front lines of stall warfare since forever.